Early signs of negative body image

Noticing how our body differs from others is a normal part of development and a certain amount of focus on bodies is to be expected. Pay attention however, to the way your child talks about their body.

Signs of negative body image can include:

⚠️ They make negative comments about their bodies

⚠️ They seem unhappy in general

⚠️ They start to spend more time on their own

⚠️ They make frequent comments about how other people look

⚠️ They compare themselves e.g. wishing they looked like other people

⚠️ They refuse favourite foods or mention calories or fat content of foods

⚠️ They spend more time at the mirror and seem unhappy with what they see

⚠️ They get upset when trying on clothes or buying new clothes

⚠️ They talk about dieting

⚠️ They start exercising obsessively or change to ‘appearance focused’ exercise to change their body such as weight lifting

⚠️ They start eating less at meals

⚠️ They link guilt to food and may talk about good or bad foods

⚠️ They may choose to follow a special diet to gain more control over what they eat – e.g. become vegan, go sugar-free or gluten-free.

It is important to look at the bigger picture and to consider how your child is in general, do they seem happy? Are they still interested in spending time with friends or happy to engage with their usual activities? Consider the changes in your own child which are giving rise to concern. Some of the above signs such as spending time alone, becoming more body conscious, more interested in exercise or becoming vegan can be normal to healthy development as young people develop their own interests.

The signs above can however be useful indicators of body image concerns if you also notice that your child seems very unhappy and less interested in their usual activities.

Things to consider before talking to your child about body image

As a parent, it can be upsetting to realise that your child is unhappy with how they look. Before talking to your child, check in with yourself and how you are feeling. Parents often describe feeling guilt or blaming themselves if their child is struggling. Feelings of guilt, shame or anxiety may prevent you from responding appropriately to your child’s needs and working with them to improve their well-being. Try to let go of these feelings so that you can respond more objectively to the situation. It is important to remember that no parent is perfect and all you can do is your best.

Choose your time wisely

Make sure to pick a good time to talk to your child. Do they seem open to such a discussion at this time? It can be hard to find the right time when they seem glued to their phones or rushing out to various activities. It may be helpful to consider the following:

Are they in a favourable mood? Do they have time to spare? Parents sometimes indicate it can be easier to talk to teens and children about difficult topics if they are not face to face, perhaps out for a walk together, in the car or spending time together in some other way.

Initially it is more helpful to listen than to advise. You could ask your child to tell you their concerns and to explain why they would like their body to be different. Listening and showing that you care will create a safe atmosphere for your child to express these concerns and open the conversation in a way that is likely to invite more discussion and a chance to work together to improve their body image. It is OK to let them know that you don’t have all the answers but that you can see these thoughts and feelings are making them unhappy and that you want to do your best to support them in feeling better about themselves. In this way you are assuring them you understand and leaving an option for the conversation to continue. You could let them know that you will think about their concerns and find out as much as you can to help them and agree that you will sit down for another chat and name a time.

You can also let them know that if they have any more thoughts in the meantime to let you know. It may be helpful to consider with your child how negative body image is holding them back and preventing them doing things in life which are important to them. Encourage them to reflect on what changes they could make and how you can support them in doing so. You will find useful items to consider here. You may find it helpful to read through and consider all these items prior to broaching the discussion with your child.

The following steps can be useful in approaching your child to discuss body image:

Drop all feelings of blame and remind yourself that you are doing your best as a parent.
Look at the list of ways to promote positive body image and consider what might be helpful for your child.
Remember that body image is a sensitive topic – how people feel about how they look can be a personal thing so consider what language is appropriate to use.
Focus on feelings and their well-being rather than on body shape. Tell them that you notice that they are not happy and want to work with them to see what would be helpful.
Listen to what they have to say – this is really important.
Listen to find out what is going on for them: Ask your child what they are not happy about and why. Ask if there is anything in particular about how they look that makes them feel anxious. It is really important to allow them time to talk. If they are hesitant, make sure to leave quiet time to create a space for them to talk. You can remind them that you are talking to them because you care about them and want to help in whatever way you can. Try to really listen to what they have to say without interrupting. It can be helpful to summarise what they have said in your own words and ask them if your understanding is correct or if there is anything else they would like to add.
Listen to find out what can be done: What do they think would help? Would they like to talk to someone about this? Show your child the supports available. Don’t rush them, give them an opportunity to think this through.
Follow up chat – give them time to think about what you have to say and offer to meet in a few days or whenever suits them to chat again about what might work best. Let them know they can come to you at any time if they want to talk.
Try to build up your relationship with your child and keep the lines of communication open. Try and fit in time to do some enjoyable activities together – ask them what they like and take their lead.
Support your child in realising that body image is only one part of who we are. Encourage them to shift their focus away from body image to thinking of all aspects of themselves and to judge themselves with compassion in all areas of their life. You could encourage them to consider or write down their strengths, skills, achievements or positive aspects of themselves to remind them that body image is only one part of who they are. If they want to make changes to their weight, consider this objectively and ensure it is for health reasons and not to conform to media ideals. Ensure that any dietary changes are made from a position of kindness and treating their body well. You may find it helpful to review the Do’s and Don’ts list here or to read these tips on accepting your body or listening to your body.

Remember to look after yourself:

‘Put on your own oxygen mask first’

This is something many of us forget, especially in times of stress, but it is very important. It’s difficult to support another person if you have nothing to give. Prioritise your own well-being too – make sure you take care of yourself properly so that you are not trying to ‘pour from an empty cup’. Being a parent is not easy and seeing your child unhappy can be very difficult. When you are taking proper care of yourself, you are in a better position to help your child and can see the situation with a clear perspective.

Common stumbling blocks and what to do

Perhaps you have already spoken to your child about body image and are concerned you might have reacted badly. Below are some typical scenarios parents describe and some suggestions on reopening the discussion.

Sometimes as parents we can be at a loss when it comes to dealing with difficulties and might seek to minimise the concern or to assuage negative feelings with positive comments e.g. ‘but you’re a beautiful girl’ or ‘everyone thinks you’re so handsome’. This approach is not helpful in improving body image and might only serve to convince them that you don’t understand, thus making them less likely to talk about their concerns. If you have taken this approach and are now wondering what to do, take heart that you are far from alone in reacting this way. The information below in ‘Keeping the lines of communication open’ may be helpful in reopening the conversation on a different footing.
You might have noticed that your child has started dieting and/or may be taking body-building supplements and are concerned about the impact these behaviours will have on their bodies. Sometimes the tendency can be to focus on the behaviours themselves rather than the underlying feeling. We might ask them to stop, talk about the dangers or to seek to forbid these behaviours. This approach doesn’t deal with the underlying issues which are leading your child to want to change how they look. It may serve instead to distance them from you as they suspect you don’t understand and may perceive you as trying to forbid something which is important to them. This could lead to more issues as they attempt to hide these behaviours from you instead.

Keeping the lines of communication open

In returning to a conversation that you feel did not go as planned it can be helpful to be honest and admit that you reacted thoughtlessly. You could indicate that you are very concerned that they are unhappy with their body image, that you weren’t sure what to do and reacted in haste. You might add that you have now given it a lot of thought and want to support them in whatever way will be helpful to them in making them feel more comfortable with how they look and happier in general. It may be helpful to admit that you know it is not easy to accept how you look, acknowledging the many pressures to body image but also emphasising that these types of concerns could really prevent your child living a happy life and doing things they want to do. As above, choose your time wisely and perhaps follow the guidance on active listening outlined above to ensure a more positive outcome.

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